June 3rd, 2008

So I've been looking for apartments in Murray. I think I found a great place so I'm really excited to move everything in. It's going to be a lot cleaner and I'm not going to have giant bugs crawling all over the walls. Air conditioning will be nice to have too because lately, everything has been pretty unbearable... Fans are on HIGH all day & all night. Give us 3 more weeks and they'll have been on for 40 days and 40 nights. Kinda makes me think of rain... The 40 days and night thing, not the whole swimming in my own sweat. That just reminds me of Oklahoma. And a Greyhound Bus ride from hell... {shivers} Long story, another day.

Anybody that knows me also knows that I don't have strong feelings for country. Lately, I've had one song hit me rather hard. Do you know that Garth Brooks song, more than a memory? I hadn't heard of it before karaoke but I've had it in my head all morning. Made myself cry on the way to work today just singing it. I don't even know all the words but here's what I know...

"It's when you're dialing six numbers just to hang up the phone, driving across town just to see if she's home. Waking a friend in the dead of the night, just to hear him say it's going to be all right. When you're finding things to do not to fall asleep because you know she'll be waiting in your dreams, that's when she's more than a memory..." For me, the song is like a plea to be heard, a plea to be understood. For me personally, it's a plea to be comforted... The problem lies in not being able to get "her" out of my head. It's been only a few weeks, I know, but it is almost getting to the point that I can't concentrate at work because I'm thinking about her constantly... If I were giving myself advice, I'd say SNAP OUT OF IT! Get on with life. Don't wait for someone that doesn't care about you because that doesn't make any sense! I think the biggest problem is that I no longer feel grounded in logic and reason but rather that other side of myself that I try not to talk about... I feel like emotion is driving me this past month and I can't seem to get back. I feel that my heart is torn between what I want to do and what I'm doing, in regards to this girl. She asked that I step back and give her space but something is eating at me, as if something is wrong. I don't have those feelings often but when I do, I feel compelled to do/say something. This time, I've bitten my tongue and have honored her request because that's what I'm supposed to do right? That's what a gentleman would do, right? This is why nice guys finish last; because they, like an obedient puppy, do as they're told without complaint or reservation. I would do anything to be with her now but I KNOW I can't. I KNOW she doesn't care. I KNOW she doesn't want me, she wants some douchebag that doesn't even get her flowers on her birthday or stays awake and listens to how her day went. Instead he kicks her out and locks the door behind her while she is in her underwear at HER OWN APARTMENT and makes her WALK BAREFOOT to her closest friend's house to stay the night. I'm not like that. In fact, I almost threw up when I heard it because doing something that deliberately abusive and personally demoralizing that, even at my absolute worst, I could never do that. I wouldn't even fathom doing that. So, her loss, right? Well, she get's what she deserves, right? Problem is, I've met her and know she deserves better. I want to be that better thing she deserves. And that's pretty much where I stand right now, stuck somewhere between the rock and the hard place. I feel a little better getting this all down. Maybe that's all I need to move on...

So work. I can't talk about anything specific about work. It's one of those, have to sign a confidentiality form. I can't even talk about calls with my co-workers. It's a real shame because I'm really, really starting to like the deaf community. :) They really are a different culture and who knew that ASL wasn't English?! Some of the calls I get make me laugh so hard! Praise Allah I have as mute button on my phone so the Hearing User doesn't know I'm laughing. The best part of the job is how chill the environment is. The company really goes leaps and bounds over what I've experienced at call centers in the past. I originally thought that I'd quit once August rolled around to do the artist thing full-time. No longer the plan now. I want to have both jobs. I want to be good doing both things. The BEST news of all is that I don't have ulcer pains anymore either. It's amazing what a little relief of stress can do for your overall well-being. Hopefully the trend continues into August.

Speaking of August, I'm almost 24. This last year has gone by faster than any year before. I sometimes feel like I'm beating my head against a wall and not getting anywhere but here are a few things I've learned over the year. 1. People suck. 2. Some people suck no matter what you do for them and it doesn't matter how much blood, sweat and tears you put into their well-being, they'll still suck. 3. I can be ok with that now because I will not let their attitude dictate my level of patience for others or allow them to destroy my God-given worth. 4. Saying you're a Christian isn't enough. You have to truly treat other's with love and respect. Christianity doesn't just happen because you go to church, although it usually helps. ;) Things yet to learn. 1. Women. 2. What separates the great women I know from the awful women I tend to date. Scratch that, the atrocious women I tend to date. 3. How many licks does it take to get to the center of a tootsie pop? Seriously. 4. What am I going to end up doing the rest of my life? I know what I want to do but that's not the problem... And finally, 5. What is God going to put in my life next that is there strictly for me to learn from?

I don't expect anybody to read this or even care but since I don't keep one of those... what do you call those books? Journals? Books from the non-digital age are so yester-year. We have blogs now. You know, online journals that anyone can read? They don't even have to sneak into your room and break into your Power Rangers toy chest, digging through Legos and Lincoln Logs to get to it! Anyway, since I don't keep a journal, this is going to be my new coping strategy. At least it combines two good things; getting your feelings out and networking with loved ones. Too bad my family isn't aware of this blog. Thanks for reading.